Monday, November 15, 2010

Love and money

Since resigning myself to the fact that I will probably never make a living bellydancing, I have grown considerably more comfortable with myself as a dancer. I enjoy creating choreographies more, and I enjoy teaching more. I've always enjoyed performing, but now I feel less anxious about it.
Why does everything seem so much easier now?
I know a lot of this is because I no longer feel like I have to market myself; I no longer feel like I have to always be at the top of my game and represent myself in the best possible light without fail.
In fact, I even feel less anxious about the idea of self-promotion now. I feel like I could put myself out there (whereever "out there" is) and say "Hi, this is me, this is what I'm doing" and not want to hide in a hole any more. All because I'm ready to accept that it's not my job any more (although I don't have another job yet, but that's another story altogether).
What I want to know is-- professional dancers and artists-- how do you manage your work psychologically? How do you keep the love for your work alive while still making money off of it? How do you keep the anxiety about putting food on the table from bleeding into your creative life?
I don't get it.
I'm secretly worried that, should my book ever get published, I won't be able to write another one because I'll suddenly feel pressure over it. I'm pretty sure this is an unreasonable worry to have, given a.) I haven't finished editing it yet and b.) I haven't sent it out to any agents or publishers and c.) the chances of me getting published are probably slim to none. And yet...
Is there something wrong with me, or is this a common malady?

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