Here is a second stab at the query letter.

After getting some secret feedback, I have taken another stab at the query. Some cheese has been removed. I am trying to strike a tone between cheese and dramz. Not sure if this succeeds any better than the last attempt.

Writing this thing is in many ways harder than writing the damn novel was. I just deleted this sentence: "I am not cut out to write copy." SHUT UP SARA. Ugh. I will endeavor to believe that I can do this. I want to believe.

all right so here's the second version

Dear XXXX,

I bet you don’t believe in vampires. Few humans do.

Mirabel Radcliffe is determined to keep it that way. As the CEO of Spira Communications, Mirabel uses mass media to brainwash the public and keep the existence of her kind a secret.

But the twenty-four hour news cycle doesn’t stop for a woman who can only go out at night. That’s why Mirabel has gathered a team of perfect doubles—mortal women permanently altered to look like her, talk like her, think like her and conduct her affairs during the daytime.

Kate Avery thought she’d be working for SpiraCom as a reporter. Instead, her boss has her scouring the Internet, searching for people who know the truth and passing their IP addresses to the higher-ups. When Kate realizes what’s happening, she tries to take the company down from the inside. It doesn’t work.

Now Mirabel has conscripted Kate into service as a double. She’s taken Kate’s face, voice, and even her memories. Worse still, the procedures that left Kate looking exactly like Mirabel also left her with an unfortunate dependency on vampire blood.

Fortunately for Kate, Mirabel is not without enemies. When Mirabel’s blood brother Adam Radcliffe kidnaps Kate from SpiraCom headquarters, she gets a chance for freedom—and a chance for revenge.

REDLISTED, 80,000 words, is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Sara Beaman

Your thoughts are welcome. If you don't feel comfortable ripping me apart in the comments you can always email me at skbeaman at gmail dot com.

Thanks for reading either way!

Rejected!! also, a query letter.

Well, yesterday I got my first rejection for Redlisted. I am crying zero tears. That's the way things go, and I'm sure it's just the first of many on the road to success (or wherever it is that I'm going).
The rejection letter brought to my attention the fact that the query letter I was using sucked. Thus, I started from scratch and wrote an entirely different one. It is posted below for your amusement. It's a bit cheesy, but then again it is a query for a vampire novel.

Dear XXXX,

I bet you don’t believe in vampires. Few humans do.

Mirabel Radcliffe is determined to keep it that way. Been bitten in the back room of a club? Seen shady characters doing things you can’t explain? She will make you forget. She makes everyone forget.

That kind of blood magic isn’t easy, even for a vampire of one hundred and twenty three years. But Mirabel’s magic is subtle. Pervasive. Corporate. As the CEO of umbrella company Spira Communications, Mirabel uses mass media to brainwash the public and keep the existence of her kind a secret. Her commercials and catchy pop tunes have kept every feeding frenzy and mass draining under wraps for the last century.

But the twenty-four hour news cycle doesn’t stop for a woman who can only go out at night. That’s why Mirabel has gathered a team of perfect doubles—mortal women permanently altered to look like her, talk like her, think like her and conduct her affairs during the daytime. These girls are under some serious conditioning. They shouldn’t be able to make their own decisions, and they certainly shouldn’t be able to rebel.

After working for SpiraCom for years as a pencil pusher, Kate is conscripted into service as a double. Now Mirabel has taken Kate’s face, voice, and even her memories. Worse still, the bleeding-edge procedures that left Kate looking exactly like Mirabel also left her with an unfortunate dependency on vampire blood.

Fortunately for Kate, Mirabel is not without enemies. When a rival vampire kidnaps Kate from SpiraCom headquarters, she gets a chance for freedom—and a chance for revenge.

REDLISTED, 80,000 words, is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Sara Beaman

I need feedback to make this thing come to life, just like I did with the novel. If you have a second, pretty please answer some or all of these questions in the comments:

1. Would you read this novel? (presuming you haven't already)
2. Does it sound different from other vampire stuff you know about?
3. Was there anything about the query you didn't understand?
4. Did you have to reread anything for clarity?
5. Did you dislike any part of this letter?
6. Why or why not?*

Thank you, sweet friend, for your support.

*A joke so weak I felt I had to provide this disclaimer.

I need YOU

to help me accomplish my dream.
You. Yes-- you. Any and all of you-- however many of you are willing to help.
I supplicate myself before you and beg for your aid.

As you may or may not have heard, I have written a novel. I don't mean I have a half-finished idea for a novel, either-- in fact, it's about as done as I can make it on my own. I've put my heart and soul and countless hours of work into my book, and now my dream is to get it published. I have never felt this way about anything before in my life and I'm not sure I will ever feel this way again.

Soon I will be sending my book out to agents. As an unpublished writer, I know I need to expect that no one will be interested in it. Nevertheless, I'm going to do everything in my power to increase the chances that someone out there will at least want to look at the full manuscript.

Here are some ways that you can help my chances go from zero to marginal, or from marginal to slight:

If you are a published author or you work in the publishing industry, it would be invaluable to me to have you read an excerpt and give me your feedback. I don't expect you to read any more than a thousand words or so. If your feedback is positive, I may ask you for a quote I can use in my cover letters. If you are local to RTP, I would love to meet you and talk to you about your experience in the industry. If you're not, I'd still love to talk by email or on the phone whenever you have the time.

If you know anyone who works in the publishing industry, especially anyone who has ever worked with speculative writers, and you wouldn't mind giving me their contact information, please get in touch with me.

If you have editing experience, fiction or non-fiction, I could use your help. I am willing to trade private lessons or graphic design work with anyone who is interested in such an exchange.

If you are also an aspiring author, I would love to do an editing exchange.

If you like to read, I am still looking for test readers, especially for the first few chapters of the novel. There's never been a better time to become a test reader; the book is much stronger now than it was when I started editing it. The first three chapters together are less than ten thousand words long (which isn't long at all).
I need your honest, unfiltered reaction to what you read. Criticism is much more valuable to me than praise.

If you don't fit into any of these categories, but you know someone else who does, you could always forward them the link to this post. Please do.
You can also become a follower of my blog in the column to your right.

If you can think of anything else you can do to help me, please tell me.

If there's any way I can ever help you in return, let me know. I want to help you with your dreams too. What I can give in exchange includes bellydance instruction, bellydance-related advice and criticism, graphic design help, illustration work, administrative work, and copy editing.
In short, and within reason, I will do whatever I can to make you feel like the effort you're expending on my behalf is appreciated.

Thank you so much for reading-- just that much is sincerely appreciated as well.

Chapter One Draft Two complete!

I've finished my second draft of Chapter One. Yay! This chapter might still be the weakest of all, even after getting a revision, but at least I've started the process of bringing it up to the level of the rest of the book.
As the writer, it's very hard to know if the chapter is compelling or if it "works". I have no perspective on the matter. Of course I find it interesting (if I didn't, I'd know I was in serious trouble), but it's impossible for me to know what a general audience would think of it. Thus, I am looking for people to read these second drafts as they become available so I can get some feedback.
You don't have to have any experience to be a test-reader, just a sense of adventure. No commitment is necessary; if you decide you hate it after the first 3 paragraphs, please just let me know what you thought and feel free to stop reading.
I am also looking for someone with editing experience to help me out; I'd be happy to barter design or dance services (classes or performance) for some quality editing.
Let me know if you are interested! Send me an email at skbeaman (at) gmail (dot) com-- if you just leave a comment, it will not let me know how to get in touch with you. I am willing to provide hard copies to anyone living in the Triangle; otherwise I can send whatever electronic format works best for you.