Failure is the path to success. (I say this because I consider myself a consummate failure. I'm biased.) Yes, I know it sounds pat and perhaps trite. But nothing worthwhile is possible without failure and rejection and pain.
~
I started my college years in a graphic design program. I thought I belonged there because the only thing I was any good at in high school was art.
I hated the program. I didn't feel like my instructors actually taught anything. We did project after project without much direction. Only after we were in the very late stages of an assignment did we receive our teachers' input, and by input I mean criticism. Usually by then it was too late to do anything about it.
I made lots of Bs and I considered each one to be a failure. I wanted to be making As. I didn't care so much about the projects themselves, I just wanted to be successful and to be recognized as such. I hated being in front of people and having my shortcomings examined.
Excuse me, did I say "my shortcomings"? I meant the shortcomings of my work. Except I really meant mine, because in my mind they were one and the same.
~
After a year and a half I left the program to study horrible things that happened in the past as well as horrible things that are still happening today. I continued trying to make art, but grew more and more frustrated with my output. I felt I was not improving, that my technique had stagnated and was indeed growing worse. And eventually I quit drawing and painting all but completely. I very rarely do it now.
For years I couldn't think about art or design without feeling like a catastrophic loser. Only very recently have I been able to look back at that time without feeling ashamed.
No one told me to feel this way. I decided I sucked on my own.
After some time (as long as I could manage) I accumulated 120 credits and was made to leave college. I failed to find a job in my field (although what field that was I'm still not exactly sure) and ended up working as a secretary.
By this time my interest in dance had ballooned immensely. Dance occupied all of my free time and then some. I felt desperate to try to make it my career. And after only two years of full-time employment I quit, hoping I could perhaps work a part-time job and get by otherwise on dance alone.
This didn't work. I tried teaching as many as six classes a week at one point, desperate to reach out to students in different areas. At many of these classes, due to rent and gas, I was making a loss.
I felt like a moron for quitting my job. I felt like a delinquent for not having a job. I felt like a failure because my plan wasn't working. I felt horrible.
In 2010 I stopped teaching many of my classes. Simultaneously, my hours at my part time job were decimated. I had nothing to do and was bringing in next to no income.
I stared into the void. The void told me to write a novel about vampires.
No, I thought, that's a really stupid idea. I should try to get another job. A real job, with regular hours, where I put on normal clothes and go into a normal office with normal people. I did some listless job-hunting online and submitted a few applications to a few places. I never heard back.
I wrote the novel, still thinking it was a stupid idea. Then I rewrote it five times. I started teaching dance classes again. The classes grew. The classes shrank. I got a second part time job.
Now the novel is finished. I consider it my first successful project. Not that I have convinced someone to publish it yet (I haven't), or even to represent it (nope not that either), but because I love it from the bottom of my heart. It might be total crap, but it is my beloved crap, the crap I have poured my heart and soul into.
Why can I love this crap when I couldn't love most of my previous crap?
Perhaps because I saw it as an experiment, a way to express something weird within me, and not as a competition with some Platonic ideal of high art or literature. I suppose I failed to live up to that ideal so many times, eventually I was forced to realize that all I will do for the rest of my life is fail to live up to the ideal.
I accepted my status as a complete failure, said "fuck it", and kept working anyway. The time since then has been the only time in my life when I have ever been able to feel like I have accomplished any measure of success.
~
We define success or failure by our own version of the ideal. Now every time I feel trapped my by own ideals, I remind myself that I'm a failure and I get right back to work. And I'm almost always proud of what I manage to accomplish.
Since I've accepted myself as a failure I don't care so much about impressing other people. I've realized I'd rather communicate with other people, or at least entertain them, than impress them.
I would still love to make a living, or even half a living, from my writing or from dance. But even if I never do, it can't make me any more of a failure.
~
Failure is an intrinsic part of making art. Artists transmit ideas into reality, but it isn't a download kind of process; the works we create will never and can never perfectly match our ideas of what the work should be. Our mediums are flawed. Reality and the mind don't mesh perfectly. Even verbalizing an idea distorts it somehow.
You must accept that you will fail and then make the attempt anyway. Every attempt will result in failure.
I lied to you earlier. Failure is not really the path to success. Success is just a particularly appealing brand of failure. Failure is all that there is.
I look back and I am glad for all the ways I have failed. I look forward and hope to keep failing with my whole heart.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Accomplishments
2011 was kind of awesome. Despite my neuroses and crippling attention deficit disorder I managed to get some good work in. Let's take a look.
YES! HIGH FIVES TO ME.
I would really like to hear what YOU did this year that you are proud of.
- I finished Redlisted!!!!!!!!11 After going through a months-long period where I couldn't stand to even look at the manuscript, around September I suddenly got the inspiration and the urge to write the last draft, which I actually like and can show to people without cringing or wanting to hide in a hole. I am so happy that I got past the stage of wanting to disown it slash erase all traces of its existence.
- I produced a show, Doomsday Cabaret, all by myself and it didn't suck. In fact, I've heard people liked it.
- I taught a workshop at a regional festival for the first time!
- I got a new part time job and have managed to hold on to it despite sucking at it really, really badly. I am being serious. I am terrible at this stupid job, but I am proud of myself for sticking it out and trying my best.
- I wrote a short story! NO! TWO SHORT STORIES! Oh wow!
- I performed outside the US for the first time!
- I got accepted to perform at TribalCon 2012. I was scared to even apply, so this was kind of a big deal for me.
- I started writing a novel I am pretty much in love with.
- I made myself start going to a writers group despite my severe anxiety at the outset. It was totally worth it.
- I forced myself to start submitting Redlisted to agents, again, despite my fear of everything and my constant feelings of dread when it comes to anything related to the writing industry.
- I made some awesome costumes! Best costumes yet!
- I feel like my performances came a long way. I am satisfied watching my videos in a way I haven't been in the past.
YES! HIGH FIVES TO ME.
I would really like to hear what YOU did this year that you are proud of.
Resolutions
2012 is coming. I better get some stuff done before the world ends. (John Hodgman says it will and I find his books to be totally credible. In fact they are pretty much my most trusted sources of information, ever.)
Last year I went insane with monthly checklists (you can easily find them in the archives) and all kinds of related self-flagellation. This resulted in a hardcore burnout period, especially after I got my second part time job and said goodbye to a good amount of my free time.
I've transitioned into a kinder "do what you can" philosophy since then. I try not to stress about the things I'm not getting done because that list is infinitely long and contemplating it too deeply will make me go insane. Instead I might as well try to enjoy life and feel good about myself from time to time.
Still, there are some things I'd like to get done in 2012. Here are some of them.
And of course, I wish and hope that I will find a good agent for my book, and I'm going to try my best, but in the end it's not up to me. If I haven't found an agent by the end of 2012 I will probably go ahead and self-publish on Amazon, and I'm excited that possibility for its own reasons.
What are your resolutions?
Last year I went insane with monthly checklists (you can easily find them in the archives) and all kinds of related self-flagellation. This resulted in a hardcore burnout period, especially after I got my second part time job and said goodbye to a good amount of my free time.
I've transitioned into a kinder "do what you can" philosophy since then. I try not to stress about the things I'm not getting done because that list is infinitely long and contemplating it too deeply will make me go insane. Instead I might as well try to enjoy life and feel good about myself from time to time.
Still, there are some things I'd like to get done in 2012. Here are some of them.
- I would like to finish the first draft of my second novel. Right now it's about half done, and I think if I make it a priority for a few months it will materialize.
- I would like to produce another Doomsday Cabaret show.
- I would like to get in better shape. If possible I would like to be able to run a ten minute mile. (That may not sound too fast, but, let me tell you, it would be an improvement over the current situation.)
- I'd like to write a few more short stories and it would be great if I could get a short story published.
- I want to spend less time on Facebook and more time reading.
- I'd like to make at least one more bellydance costume.
- I want to feel good about what I perform at TribalCon, which will mean preparing well.
- I'd like to teach some workshops out of town (although I don't have much control over whether or not that comes to pass).
- I'd like to write an article about bellydance and publish it somewhere.
- I want to save more money and eat more fruits and vegetables. (Exciting!!)
And of course, I wish and hope that I will find a good agent for my book, and I'm going to try my best, but in the end it's not up to me. If I haven't found an agent by the end of 2012 I will probably go ahead and self-publish on Amazon, and I'm excited that possibility for its own reasons.
What are your resolutions?
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Auto Bio
So I have been avoiding querying specific agents because they ask for a writer bio. As someone with no publication credits (yet! I am in the process of trying to find a home for a short story I am actually quite proud of) and no qualifications, I have no idea what the hell to say about myself. I hope it doesn't sound jaded to say that I feel like turdpolishing is necessary. I am just another eccentric among eccentrics who thinks they wrote something people might want to buy.
If I were to tell the truth unvarnished by what I think people want to hear, my bio would probably go something like this:
Sara Beaman was born in 1984 in a small town in New York and raised by Dungeons and Dragons nerds. She grew up a lonely brainiac with impeccable fashion sense (discounting a long stretch of years including middle school, high school, college and her early adult life). Like many other children who suck at sports, she thoroughly enjoyed reading science fiction and fantasy novels while avoiding projectiles thrown by other children at recess.
At some point she moved to North Carolina, where she met her future husband at a high school for unsociable technology enthusiasts. Then, thinking she would like to become a graphic designer, she enrolled in the North Carolina State University College of Design. Her mother warned her not to, and, indeed, it was an ill-advised course of action which left her full of ennui. After only a year and a half she dropped out of design school, preferring to study the history of human misery at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill instead.
During her idle years as a student Sara began studying the exotic art of bellydance, perhaps as a way to distract herself from her existential dread. After graduation, she worked a short stint at a temp agency, then a somewhat longer stint as a secretary at UNC. Then she decided to quit her perfectly acceptable job to pursue a career as a full time bellydancer. Then the economy tanked.
Now she thinks she'd probably like to be a novelist instead. She is willing to work hard and try her best. She would like to be able to provide publication credits but she is honestly dreadful at coming up with ideas for short stories. She has written like three, all told, and one of them is kind of crap.
But really, writing is what calls to the jaded remnants of her soul. She is serious about it and will totally do whatever it takes.
Sara resides in Raleigh, North Carolina with her misanthrope husband and her rescue dog Lola who loves humans quite a bit.
LOL okay but seriously I need to write something I can actually send to people. :(
If I were to tell the truth unvarnished by what I think people want to hear, my bio would probably go something like this:
Sara Beaman was born in 1984 in a small town in New York and raised by Dungeons and Dragons nerds. She grew up a lonely brainiac with impeccable fashion sense (discounting a long stretch of years including middle school, high school, college and her early adult life). Like many other children who suck at sports, she thoroughly enjoyed reading science fiction and fantasy novels while avoiding projectiles thrown by other children at recess.
At some point she moved to North Carolina, where she met her future husband at a high school for unsociable technology enthusiasts. Then, thinking she would like to become a graphic designer, she enrolled in the North Carolina State University College of Design. Her mother warned her not to, and, indeed, it was an ill-advised course of action which left her full of ennui. After only a year and a half she dropped out of design school, preferring to study the history of human misery at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill instead.
During her idle years as a student Sara began studying the exotic art of bellydance, perhaps as a way to distract herself from her existential dread. After graduation, she worked a short stint at a temp agency, then a somewhat longer stint as a secretary at UNC. Then she decided to quit her perfectly acceptable job to pursue a career as a full time bellydancer. Then the economy tanked.
Now she thinks she'd probably like to be a novelist instead. She is willing to work hard and try her best. She would like to be able to provide publication credits but she is honestly dreadful at coming up with ideas for short stories. She has written like three, all told, and one of them is kind of crap.
But really, writing is what calls to the jaded remnants of her soul. She is serious about it and will totally do whatever it takes.
Sara resides in Raleigh, North Carolina with her misanthrope husband and her rescue dog Lola who loves humans quite a bit.
LOL okay but seriously I need to write something I can actually send to people. :(
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Here is a second stab at the query letter.
After getting some secret feedback, I have taken another stab at the query. Some cheese has been removed. I am trying to strike a tone between cheese and dramz. Not sure if this succeeds any better than the last attempt.
Writing this thing is in many ways harder than writing the damn novel was. I just deleted this sentence: "I am not cut out to write copy." SHUT UP SARA. Ugh. I will endeavor to believe that I can do this. I want to believe.
all right so here's the second version
Your thoughts are welcome. If you don't feel comfortable ripping me apart in the comments you can always email me at skbeaman at gmail dot com.
Thanks for reading either way!
Writing this thing is in many ways harder than writing the damn novel was. I just deleted this sentence: "I am not cut out to write copy." SHUT UP SARA. Ugh. I will endeavor to believe that I can do this. I want to believe.
all right so here's the second version
Dear XXXX,
I bet you don’t believe in vampires. Few humans do.
Mirabel Radcliffe is determined to keep it that way. As the CEO of Spira Communications, Mirabel uses mass media to brainwash the public and keep the existence of her kind a secret.
But the twenty-four hour news cycle doesn’t stop for a woman who can only go out at night. That’s why Mirabel has gathered a team of perfect doubles—mortal women permanently altered to look like her, talk like her, think like her and conduct her affairs during the daytime.
Kate Avery thought she’d be working for SpiraCom as a reporter. Instead, her boss has her scouring the Internet, searching for people who know the truth and passing their IP addresses to the higher-ups. When Kate realizes what’s happening, she tries to take the company down from the inside. It doesn’t work.
Now Mirabel has conscripted Kate into service as a double. She’s taken Kate’s face, voice, and even her memories. Worse still, the procedures that left Kate looking exactly like Mirabel also left her with an unfortunate dependency on vampire blood.
Fortunately for Kate, Mirabel is not without enemies. When Mirabel’s blood brother Adam Radcliffe kidnaps Kate from SpiraCom headquarters, she gets a chance for freedom—and a chance for revenge.
REDLISTED, 80,000 words, is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Sara Beaman
Your thoughts are welcome. If you don't feel comfortable ripping me apart in the comments you can always email me at skbeaman at gmail dot com.
Thanks for reading either way!
Rejected!! also, a query letter.
Well, yesterday I got my first rejection for Redlisted. I am crying zero tears. That's the way things go, and I'm sure it's just the first of many on the road to success (or wherever it is that I'm going).
The rejection letter brought to my attention the fact that the query letter I was using sucked. Thus, I started from scratch and wrote an entirely different one. It is posted below for your amusement. It's a bit cheesy, but then again it is a query for a vampire novel.
I need feedback to make this thing come to life, just like I did with the novel. If you have a second, pretty please answer some or all of these questions in the comments:
1. Would you read this novel? (presuming you haven't already)
2. Does it sound different from other vampire stuff you know about?
3. Was there anything about the query you didn't understand?
4. Did you have to reread anything for clarity?
5. Did you dislike any part of this letter?
6. Why or why not?*
Thank you, sweet friend, for your support.
*A joke so weak I felt I had to provide this disclaimer.
The rejection letter brought to my attention the fact that the query letter I was using sucked. Thus, I started from scratch and wrote an entirely different one. It is posted below for your amusement. It's a bit cheesy, but then again it is a query for a vampire novel.
Dear XXXX,
I bet you don’t believe in vampires. Few humans do.
Mirabel Radcliffe is determined to keep it that way. Been bitten in the back room of a club? Seen shady characters doing things you can’t explain? She will make you forget. She makes everyone forget.
That kind of blood magic isn’t easy, even for a vampire of one hundred and twenty three years. But Mirabel’s magic is subtle. Pervasive. Corporate. As the CEO of umbrella company Spira Communications, Mirabel uses mass media to brainwash the public and keep the existence of her kind a secret. Her commercials and catchy pop tunes have kept every feeding frenzy and mass draining under wraps for the last century.
But the twenty-four hour news cycle doesn’t stop for a woman who can only go out at night. That’s why Mirabel has gathered a team of perfect doubles—mortal women permanently altered to look like her, talk like her, think like her and conduct her affairs during the daytime. These girls are under some serious conditioning. They shouldn’t be able to make their own decisions, and they certainly shouldn’t be able to rebel.
After working for SpiraCom for years as a pencil pusher, Kate is conscripted into service as a double. Now Mirabel has taken Kate’s face, voice, and even her memories. Worse still, the bleeding-edge procedures that left Kate looking exactly like Mirabel also left her with an unfortunate dependency on vampire blood.
Fortunately for Kate, Mirabel is not without enemies. When a rival vampire kidnaps Kate from SpiraCom headquarters, she gets a chance for freedom—and a chance for revenge.
REDLISTED, 80,000 words, is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Sara Beaman
I need feedback to make this thing come to life, just like I did with the novel. If you have a second, pretty please answer some or all of these questions in the comments:
1. Would you read this novel? (presuming you haven't already)
2. Does it sound different from other vampire stuff you know about?
3. Was there anything about the query you didn't understand?
4. Did you have to reread anything for clarity?
5. Did you dislike any part of this letter?
6. Why or why not?*
Thank you, sweet friend, for your support.
*A joke so weak I felt I had to provide this disclaimer.
Monday, November 28, 2011
It is done. Commence Phase Two.
(also known as old news to people who follow my Facebook feed.)
Redlisted is done. Finished. Complete at 80,000 words, it's finalized and I will work on it no more.
I have sent it out to two agents so far. I plan to send it out to one agent a week until I run out of agents to bother or someone indicates interest.
Some rather optimistic (or kind) friends of mine are all like OF COURSE it will be published. I am fairly sure that it won't be, at least not by a traditional publishing house. I am up against some pretty nasty odds and I will be shocked and amazed if anyone wants to pick it up.
Let's take a look at the situation.
STUFF IN MY FAVOR
This book has been edited by like seventeen people.
I think the final draft is pretty great, and I usually hate everything I do forever.
It's about vampires. Who doesn't like vampires?*
Despite what this blog may lead you to believe I have a fairly okay grasp of English grammar.
I spellchecked the manuscript and made sure to format it according to industry standards.
My writer's group seemed to like the first chapter after I rewrote it for the eighth time.
I don't think there are any plot holes!
I am psychotically dedicated to my quest for publication and will exhaust all options before giving up.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT LOOKING SO GREAT
*No one likes vampires. In fact some agents are like "send us anything, AS LONG AS IT HAS NO VAMPIRES WHATSOEVER." Something about market saturation. Not like I didn't know that getting in to the project.
I have no publication credits.**
My cover letter is mediocre to embarrassing.
My synopsis is... Well the plot is complicated, it's not my fault.
Did I mention no one wants to pick up another vampire novel?
**I did write a short story though, and I'm trying to get it published.
Yeah. Vampires.
The truth is I didn't write this book because I thought it would be popular or get published. I wrote it because I felt I had to. They (who?) say that everyone has a story to tell. I don't know if I understand why, but mine was about the undead.
I know it's hokey. At first I was ashamed. "What is your novel about, Sara?" "It's... uhh... vampires." I am over that. We can't decide what is in our heart of hearts! We can only decide whether or not to acknowledge it.
I love this book and I will be its champion. I will give it the best chance I can in this crazy world.
In any case, I am mitigating my freakouts (somewhat) about the submission process and the looming spectre of universal rejection by working on another novel. It is not a sequel to Redlisted; it's an unrelated project. If asked to describe the genre I would say "dystopian dieselpunk fantasy".
Now watch there be a glut of that by the time I'm done with the damn thing.
No Sara! Don't be bitter. Who cares if a million books like mine are published tomorrow? I'm doing what I love and that is the most important thing.
It helps my sanity to know that I have another story in my heart. Maybe there are a lot more in there waiting to be discovered. Even if Redlisted gets rejected by everyone, I'll try again with what I'm working on now.
I expect nothing but I hope for the best.
Redlisted is done. Finished. Complete at 80,000 words, it's finalized and I will work on it no more.
I have sent it out to two agents so far. I plan to send it out to one agent a week until I run out of agents to bother or someone indicates interest.
Some rather optimistic (or kind) friends of mine are all like OF COURSE it will be published. I am fairly sure that it won't be, at least not by a traditional publishing house. I am up against some pretty nasty odds and I will be shocked and amazed if anyone wants to pick it up.
Let's take a look at the situation.
STUFF IN MY FAVOR
This book has been edited by like seventeen people.
I think the final draft is pretty great, and I usually hate everything I do forever.
It's about vampires. Who doesn't like vampires?*
Despite what this blog may lead you to believe I have a fairly okay grasp of English grammar.
I spellchecked the manuscript and made sure to format it according to industry standards.
My writer's group seemed to like the first chapter after I rewrote it for the eighth time.
I don't think there are any plot holes!
I am psychotically dedicated to my quest for publication and will exhaust all options before giving up.
THINGS THAT ARE NOT LOOKING SO GREAT
*No one likes vampires. In fact some agents are like "send us anything, AS LONG AS IT HAS NO VAMPIRES WHATSOEVER." Something about market saturation. Not like I didn't know that getting in to the project.
I have no publication credits.**
My cover letter is mediocre to embarrassing.
My synopsis is... Well the plot is complicated, it's not my fault.
Did I mention no one wants to pick up another vampire novel?
**I did write a short story though, and I'm trying to get it published.
Yeah. Vampires.
The truth is I didn't write this book because I thought it would be popular or get published. I wrote it because I felt I had to. They (who?) say that everyone has a story to tell. I don't know if I understand why, but mine was about the undead.
I know it's hokey. At first I was ashamed. "What is your novel about, Sara?" "It's... uhh... vampires." I am over that. We can't decide what is in our heart of hearts! We can only decide whether or not to acknowledge it.
I love this book and I will be its champion. I will give it the best chance I can in this crazy world.
In any case, I am mitigating my freakouts (somewhat) about the submission process and the looming spectre of universal rejection by working on another novel. It is not a sequel to Redlisted; it's an unrelated project. If asked to describe the genre I would say "dystopian dieselpunk fantasy".
Now watch there be a glut of that by the time I'm done with the damn thing.
No Sara! Don't be bitter. Who cares if a million books like mine are published tomorrow? I'm doing what I love and that is the most important thing.
It helps my sanity to know that I have another story in my heart. Maybe there are a lot more in there waiting to be discovered. Even if Redlisted gets rejected by everyone, I'll try again with what I'm working on now.
I expect nothing but I hope for the best.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sara Beaman, Re-Animator
So I'm going to try blogging again. Let's not talk about the hiatus and my related feelings of shame. No one wants to hear about it, least of all me.
Instead let's talk about my current projects.
The old obsession rears its (ugly? fabulous? combo of the two?) head.
After a months-long hiatus, I am working on the fifth draft (sane, normal, balanced decision) of my vampire novel, which henceforth shall be referred to as Redlisted as I have decided that will be the title.
I got really burned out on Redlisted earlier this year and didn't think I would ever want to work on it again. For reasons I can only speculate about, within the last week I have suddenly become eager to work on it again.
I'm going to be integrating major changes that I think will improve the book, to make it more coherent, to bring out the nature of the characters and to make the plot more interesting.
SO EXCITED.
I am also working on a second novel. It's not about vampires.
I am putting together an anachronistic variety show, the Doomsday Cabaret. It will have bellydancers and hopefully other kinds of performers doing fun and interesting things, and will take place on Friday Dec. 9. Please come if you care about my feelings. And let me know if you are interested in performing or contributing to the administrative aspect of the show.
I'm going to be giving another lecture about bellydance history at UNC next week (most likely, it's still tentative).
I'm teaching a benefit workshop for the Wake County SPCA on October 9.
And of course I am teaching class, performing, etc etc that sort of thing.
I recently started a second part time job as well. So I'm having to teach myself some stricter time management techniques. But it's starting to work out all right, and it's nice not to have to be super stressed out about money all the time.
And there you have it.
Instead let's talk about my current projects.
The old obsession rears its (ugly? fabulous? combo of the two?) head.
After a months-long hiatus, I am working on the fifth draft (sane, normal, balanced decision) of my vampire novel, which henceforth shall be referred to as Redlisted as I have decided that will be the title.
I got really burned out on Redlisted earlier this year and didn't think I would ever want to work on it again. For reasons I can only speculate about, within the last week I have suddenly become eager to work on it again.
I'm going to be integrating major changes that I think will improve the book, to make it more coherent, to bring out the nature of the characters and to make the plot more interesting.
SO EXCITED.
I am also working on a second novel. It's not about vampires.
I am putting together an anachronistic variety show, the Doomsday Cabaret. It will have bellydancers and hopefully other kinds of performers doing fun and interesting things, and will take place on Friday Dec. 9. Please come if you care about my feelings. And let me know if you are interested in performing or contributing to the administrative aspect of the show.
I'm going to be giving another lecture about bellydance history at UNC next week (most likely, it's still tentative).
I'm teaching a benefit workshop for the Wake County SPCA on October 9.
And of course I am teaching class, performing, etc etc that sort of thing.
I recently started a second part time job as well. So I'm having to teach myself some stricter time management techniques. But it's starting to work out all right, and it's nice not to have to be super stressed out about money all the time.
And there you have it.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Productivity Secrets
I have a confession to make. I am a serial procrastinator, and I have the attention span of a puppy at a public park. I have low energy, I can't remember what happened five minutes ago, and I can't seem to get organized no matter how hard I try. I'm basically a cautionary tale, so it might seem that I'm the last person in the world that should be writing about productivity.
HOWEVER. Despite my flightiness and my crushing neuroses, I do manage to get stuff accomplished when I want to, thanks to some techniques I use to cope with my damaged brain.
Here are their stories.
15 minutes at a time. I set an egg timer for 15 minutes (or 20 if I'm being ambitious) and I tell myself I must only work on a single task for that time. It might be cleaning, or writing, or editing, or strength training, or what have you. I do this both for things I want to do (and might spend too much time doing otherwise) and things I dread. For things I like, I force myself to stop at the bell. For things I hate, I force myself to keep going until the bell. IT WORKS! Without my beloved egg timer, I would never be able to focus for more than 15 seconds. This means a sudden 60x increase in productivity! LIKE MAGIC!
This technique has the added benefit of helping me figure out how long things actually take. My internal sense of time is completely wrong: I think things I dislike take much longer than they really do. I am always amazed at how much housework I can get done in 15 minutes.
Don't talk about it. I try not to spend too much time talking about what I intend to do in the future. I don't let myself talk to people about my projects until they are semi-complete. For example, I didn't tell anyone outside my family that I was writing a novel until the first draft was complete.
Why? Discussing your goals or incomplete projects with other people can give you a false sense of accomplishment. For example:
You: "I'm writing a novel." (read: I have five pages written and a bunch of ideas, or just a bunch of ideas.)
Your friend: "Wow!! That's amazing!"
You: Wow! I AM amazing!
Not that you're not amazing, but yeah.
I really like talking about myself, so I reward myself with the ability to freedom to talk (incessantly and at length) about my projects once they are actually done.
Don't think about it. The more time you spend ruminating about what you want to do, the less time you have to spend actually pursuing your creative goals. You won't know what works until you try to do it anyway, so stop thinking about it and do it!
Mini-Tip Bonus Round!
Don't watch TV any more!
Don't commit to anything you don't really want to do, unless you need to do it for money!
Quit your day job and become a professional eccentric like me!*
Don't worry about cleaning too much! Life's too short!
You probably don't need to shower every day unless you have a glandular issue! Fewer showers = more productivity time!
Writers! Convert time spent waiting in public to productivity time by bringing notebooks everywhere!
Spend driving time listening to inspiring music and thinking about your projects, or use that time to listen to NPR!
Don't waste time on the webs! Figure out what blogs you like and visit only once a week!
Figure out what you love and make room for it in your life by getting rid of whatever else you can!
*seriously, only do this if you have a trust fund, very supportive parents, and/or a very supportive, saintlike spouse with a great job.
Finally, the biggest tip of all:
Figure out what you want--what you really want, what you'll gladly sacrifice a lot of free time, sanity, and even cold hard cash to accomplish.
And then DO IT!
Go with my blessing!
HOWEVER. Despite my flightiness and my crushing neuroses, I do manage to get stuff accomplished when I want to, thanks to some techniques I use to cope with my damaged brain.
Here are their stories.
15 minutes at a time. I set an egg timer for 15 minutes (or 20 if I'm being ambitious) and I tell myself I must only work on a single task for that time. It might be cleaning, or writing, or editing, or strength training, or what have you. I do this both for things I want to do (and might spend too much time doing otherwise) and things I dread. For things I like, I force myself to stop at the bell. For things I hate, I force myself to keep going until the bell. IT WORKS! Without my beloved egg timer, I would never be able to focus for more than 15 seconds. This means a sudden 60x increase in productivity! LIKE MAGIC!
This technique has the added benefit of helping me figure out how long things actually take. My internal sense of time is completely wrong: I think things I dislike take much longer than they really do. I am always amazed at how much housework I can get done in 15 minutes.
Don't talk about it. I try not to spend too much time talking about what I intend to do in the future. I don't let myself talk to people about my projects until they are semi-complete. For example, I didn't tell anyone outside my family that I was writing a novel until the first draft was complete.
Why? Discussing your goals or incomplete projects with other people can give you a false sense of accomplishment. For example:
You: "I'm writing a novel." (read: I have five pages written and a bunch of ideas, or just a bunch of ideas.)
Your friend: "Wow!! That's amazing!"
You: Wow! I AM amazing!
Not that you're not amazing, but yeah.
I really like talking about myself, so I reward myself with the ability to freedom to talk (incessantly and at length) about my projects once they are actually done.
Don't think about it. The more time you spend ruminating about what you want to do, the less time you have to spend actually pursuing your creative goals. You won't know what works until you try to do it anyway, so stop thinking about it and do it!
Mini-Tip Bonus Round!
Don't watch TV any more!
Don't commit to anything you don't really want to do, unless you need to do it for money!
Quit your day job and become a professional eccentric like me!*
Don't worry about cleaning too much! Life's too short!
You probably don't need to shower every day unless you have a glandular issue! Fewer showers = more productivity time!
Writers! Convert time spent waiting in public to productivity time by bringing notebooks everywhere!
Spend driving time listening to inspiring music and thinking about your projects, or use that time to listen to NPR!
Don't waste time on the webs! Figure out what blogs you like and visit only once a week!
Figure out what you love and make room for it in your life by getting rid of whatever else you can!
*seriously, only do this if you have a trust fund, very supportive parents, and/or a very supportive, saintlike spouse with a great job.
Finally, the biggest tip of all:
Figure out what you want--what you really want, what you'll gladly sacrifice a lot of free time, sanity, and even cold hard cash to accomplish.
And then DO IT!
Go with my blessing!
Monday, April 11, 2011
What is up
This moment's thought: Oh shit. That's right. I have a blog.
So I haven't blogged in over a month. That's shameful. Here's a hasty attempt to assert my enduring devotion to the interwebs and to all of my amazing, charismatic, erudite readers, all of whom have excellent taste and should totally keep reading.
Here's what's up. I'll keep it to soundbytes.
Fibromyalgia. I am probably having some sort of relapse. I feel like crap even though I've been eating okay, exercising (albeit half-heartedly) and getting enough sleep. I'm going back to the doctor soon, I think? I can't remember, just like I can't remember anything else.
Bellydance. I am teaching at the Asheville Bellydance Festival next weekend, and my workshop is SOLD OUT. Holy crap. I thought I'd be lucky if three people showed up, seeing as that's basically what happened to me at Triboriginal 2009. Not that I should be advertising that fact on the internet. I am redoubling my efforts to make the workshop totally rock everyone's faces (in a kind, student-focused and supportive way, of course).
The Sparkle Oasis workshop remains open and will be even more face-rocking because it features TWO teachers--including one teacher who doesn't suffer from fibromyalgia brain death syndrome: my majestic sister Emily.
Also. I taught a workshop a few days ago to benefit Historic Green which raised $540, which I need to go online and donate as soon as I am done with this post.
Fiction. I have started working on the sequel to my vampire novel (which I still haven't decided on a title for--now THAT is procrastination). This is not premature and it is in fact a fantastic idea even though it's making it so that I have neither the time nor the energy to finish editing the existing novel or to begin preparing said novel for the agent submission process. Shut up. It totally is awesome and you don't even know.
But seriously, I'm excited about it. I always allow myself to go crazy with the first draft and write really badly. (Otherwise I would never be able to write anything ever.) I'm probably more excited about the opportunity to write really cheesy hackneyed trash than I should be, but whatevs. It's fun not to worry so much about how things sound and instead to focus on what happens next. I don't outline, so I have no idea what is coming. I just get to keep going down the rabbit hole.
My non-vampire short story (novella? novel?) kind of stalled out, so I am submitting it to my writers' group in an attempt to motivate myself to finish it. I will let you know if this ends up being a good idea or a terrible one.
Other. Nothing else about my life is worthy of comment, except for the fact that between private lessons, classes, and tutoring, I can feel that I'm slowly approaching the burnout insanity that I experienced this time last year. I'm glad to be working and to be in demand, but unfortunately I have a Constitution score of 4 (on the DND scale, obvs) and I just can't handle working every day of the week. I'm a little scared to pass things up, though, because I know it's either feast or famine, and a girl needs to eat.
Like I said, I'll let you know how it goes.
So I haven't blogged in over a month. That's shameful. Here's a hasty attempt to assert my enduring devotion to the interwebs and to all of my amazing, charismatic, erudite readers, all of whom have excellent taste and should totally keep reading.
Here's what's up. I'll keep it to soundbytes.
Fibromyalgia. I am probably having some sort of relapse. I feel like crap even though I've been eating okay, exercising (albeit half-heartedly) and getting enough sleep. I'm going back to the doctor soon, I think? I can't remember, just like I can't remember anything else.
Bellydance. I am teaching at the Asheville Bellydance Festival next weekend, and my workshop is SOLD OUT. Holy crap. I thought I'd be lucky if three people showed up, seeing as that's basically what happened to me at Triboriginal 2009. Not that I should be advertising that fact on the internet. I am redoubling my efforts to make the workshop totally rock everyone's faces (in a kind, student-focused and supportive way, of course).
The Sparkle Oasis workshop remains open and will be even more face-rocking because it features TWO teachers--including one teacher who doesn't suffer from fibromyalgia brain death syndrome: my majestic sister Emily.
Also. I taught a workshop a few days ago to benefit Historic Green which raised $540, which I need to go online and donate as soon as I am done with this post.
Fiction. I have started working on the sequel to my vampire novel (which I still haven't decided on a title for--now THAT is procrastination). This is not premature and it is in fact a fantastic idea even though it's making it so that I have neither the time nor the energy to finish editing the existing novel or to begin preparing said novel for the agent submission process. Shut up. It totally is awesome and you don't even know.
But seriously, I'm excited about it. I always allow myself to go crazy with the first draft and write really badly. (Otherwise I would never be able to write anything ever.) I'm probably more excited about the opportunity to write really cheesy hackneyed trash than I should be, but whatevs. It's fun not to worry so much about how things sound and instead to focus on what happens next. I don't outline, so I have no idea what is coming. I just get to keep going down the rabbit hole.
My non-vampire short story (novella? novel?) kind of stalled out, so I am submitting it to my writers' group in an attempt to motivate myself to finish it. I will let you know if this ends up being a good idea or a terrible one.
Other. Nothing else about my life is worthy of comment, except for the fact that between private lessons, classes, and tutoring, I can feel that I'm slowly approaching the burnout insanity that I experienced this time last year. I'm glad to be working and to be in demand, but unfortunately I have a Constitution score of 4 (on the DND scale, obvs) and I just can't handle working every day of the week. I'm a little scared to pass things up, though, because I know it's either feast or famine, and a girl needs to eat.
Like I said, I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Mini writing update
I am starting to feel better about the book again. (Let's see how long that lasts.) I'm plugging away at the edits of the even chapters and I think I'm starting to see improvement.
Meanwhile, I am busy working on my "short story" which is quickly ballooning in scope and asking to become a novella, a novel, even a series of novels. The more I think about the premise and setting the more I want to keep going down the rabbit hole, but I also want to write a short story and I'm not sure how I would manage working on two novels at once in two completely different universes. I think I need to have my head checked for even considering it.
Right now I want to stay up and write but I have to go to bed. Fibromyalgia makes me turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of eleven. No witching hour for me.
With that, good night.
P.S. It's not paradise over here, though. I've got a choreographer's block the size of Greenland. Long suffering sigh.
Meanwhile, I am busy working on my "short story" which is quickly ballooning in scope and asking to become a novella, a novel, even a series of novels. The more I think about the premise and setting the more I want to keep going down the rabbit hole, but I also want to write a short story and I'm not sure how I would manage working on two novels at once in two completely different universes. I think I need to have my head checked for even considering it.
Right now I want to stay up and write but I have to go to bed. Fibromyalgia makes me turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of eleven. No witching hour for me.
With that, good night.
P.S. It's not paradise over here, though. I've got a choreographer's block the size of Greenland. Long suffering sigh.
Monday, February 28, 2011
February recap and goals for March
Hey, guess what? That's what! It's walk of shame time.
Here were my goals for February.
-Choreograph a solo for the Bozenka show. ALL OF IT.
Well, I tried. I got a minute and a half of a new choreo done, then decided I totally hated it. And now I will be doing improv. Abort/Retry/Fail.
-Write an epilogue for my book.
I did this. And I actually liked it.
-Write a plot summary. No, really. Actually write it this time.
Okay, so I'm 2/3 of the way done with a synopsis. Partial success achieved.
-Go to some more writers' meetups.
I did this. In fact, in a particularly unhinged moment, I agreed to read an excerpt from a short story I'm working on at a writing group tomorrow. Why did I do this? I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Oh God. I shouldn't think about it.
-Stop freaking out about anything and everything that has to do with book submission.
I think that's going to require some pretty heavy medication. Otherwise, it's most likely unachievable.
-Come up with an action plan for preparing my novel for submission over the next three months.
I'm working on a fourth draft instead. Is it necessary or am I just avoiding the things I fear? It's a column A / column B kind of thing.
-Try to eat like a sane person, not a third grader.
Let's not talk about it.
All right, well, as shameful as that was, I have reasons to be happy with myself. Well, one reason: I'm working on a short story that I really like after months and months of false starts and ideas that were pretty much dead on arrival. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.
Here are my goals for March:
- Do my taxes. A perennial source of fun!
- Finish and revise the short story I'm working on.
- Finish rewriting the even chapters of the book.
- Make a choreography for my solo at the Asheville Bellydance Festival gala. COME ON SARA. YOU CAN DO IT.
- Finish the synopsis of the novel and clean it up.
- Write a first draft of a query letter to send to agents.
- Promote my upcoming workshops and events.
- Start getting ready to move by cleaning and getting rid of stuff I don't use or need.
YEAH! GO TEAM SKB!
Here were my goals for February.
-Choreograph a solo for the Bozenka show. ALL OF IT.
Well, I tried. I got a minute and a half of a new choreo done, then decided I totally hated it. And now I will be doing improv. Abort/Retry/Fail.
-Write an epilogue for my book.
I did this. And I actually liked it.
-Write a plot summary. No, really. Actually write it this time.
Okay, so I'm 2/3 of the way done with a synopsis. Partial success achieved.
-Go to some more writers' meetups.
I did this. In fact, in a particularly unhinged moment, I agreed to read an excerpt from a short story I'm working on at a writing group tomorrow. Why did I do this? I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Oh God. I shouldn't think about it.
-Stop freaking out about anything and everything that has to do with book submission.
I think that's going to require some pretty heavy medication. Otherwise, it's most likely unachievable.
-Come up with an action plan for preparing my novel for submission over the next three months.
I'm working on a fourth draft instead. Is it necessary or am I just avoiding the things I fear? It's a column A / column B kind of thing.
-Try to eat like a sane person, not a third grader.
Let's not talk about it.
All right, well, as shameful as that was, I have reasons to be happy with myself. Well, one reason: I'm working on a short story that I really like after months and months of false starts and ideas that were pretty much dead on arrival. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.
Here are my goals for March:
- Do my taxes. A perennial source of fun!
- Finish and revise the short story I'm working on.
- Finish rewriting the even chapters of the book.
- Make a choreography for my solo at the Asheville Bellydance Festival gala. COME ON SARA. YOU CAN DO IT.
- Finish the synopsis of the novel and clean it up.
- Write a first draft of a query letter to send to agents.
- Promote my upcoming workshops and events.
- Start getting ready to move by cleaning and getting rid of stuff I don't use or need.
YEAH! GO TEAM SKB!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Fourth draft blues
I just realized I haven't posted in over a week, so here's to rectifying that.
The book has me in a funk. I have always oscillated through periods of liking it and hating it, and right now I am in a hater phase.
I am attempting to edit half of the chapters to make the voices of my two narrators more distinct. This means bringing these newly-reworked chapters back to a much less polished phase of production. Although I imagine that this process is necessary or at least beneficial, it's frustrating and discouraging.
I'm not just lazy. It's not that I don't want to work on the manuscript any more. I just have gotten to the point where I can't seem to tell if the changes I'm making are helping or hurting. Sometimes I wonder if I will even be able to resolve the issues I am trying to fix, or if the work has critical flaws that can't be undone.
I've been working on this novel since last April, which doesn't sound like too long (10 months, whatever), but it's been an intense 10 months. I normally work on it for at least 2-3 hours a day, more if I can scrape together the time, and I normally enjoy the work, but it's difficult not to get discouraged sometimes.
In an effort to avoid burnout I'm going to force myself to take a break from it for a few days. I'd like to say I will leave it alone for a week but we all know that isn't going to happen.
In the meantime I am working on a short story. Why am I writing on my break from writing? I don't know. In my free time, I also read and work on dance stuff, but I don't watch television or play video games in my free time any more, and I try to limit the time I waste on the Internet. Mostly I write, think about writing, and bother my loved ones with my writing-related drama. In any case, writing this story feels like a break, so it's a break. So there.
Right now I am happy just to have an idea for a story. I've been searching for one for months, but I kept coming up with stuff that was too complicated to condense into short fiction. I'm hoping this idea is just complicated enough. It's going to be interesting to see how the project turns out.
But back to the book. Here's the thing-- I believe in the story and I believe in the characters. It's everything else I'm not so sure about. But whether or not the writing itself is hackneyed crap, I've gleaned a tremendous amount of knowledge from writing it. Even if there are problems with the manuscript that I will never be able to fix, I will keep writing other things and I will keep trying.
It would make me sad to let this project go, because I am so fond of the characters and the plot. But I'm nowhere near the point of no return, not yet. I'm not ready to give up. I just need a break.
It does feel weird to live in this space, where this project dominates so much of my mental energy, knowing I'm the only one who cares even ten percent this much about it. Even for me, an introvert with a hyperactive imagination and a tenuous grasp on reality-- even for me it's weird.
But I'm used to weird, so whatever.
The book has me in a funk. I have always oscillated through periods of liking it and hating it, and right now I am in a hater phase.
I am attempting to edit half of the chapters to make the voices of my two narrators more distinct. This means bringing these newly-reworked chapters back to a much less polished phase of production. Although I imagine that this process is necessary or at least beneficial, it's frustrating and discouraging.
I'm not just lazy. It's not that I don't want to work on the manuscript any more. I just have gotten to the point where I can't seem to tell if the changes I'm making are helping or hurting. Sometimes I wonder if I will even be able to resolve the issues I am trying to fix, or if the work has critical flaws that can't be undone.
I've been working on this novel since last April, which doesn't sound like too long (10 months, whatever), but it's been an intense 10 months. I normally work on it for at least 2-3 hours a day, more if I can scrape together the time, and I normally enjoy the work, but it's difficult not to get discouraged sometimes.
In an effort to avoid burnout I'm going to force myself to take a break from it for a few days. I'd like to say I will leave it alone for a week but we all know that isn't going to happen.
In the meantime I am working on a short story. Why am I writing on my break from writing? I don't know. In my free time, I also read and work on dance stuff, but I don't watch television or play video games in my free time any more, and I try to limit the time I waste on the Internet. Mostly I write, think about writing, and bother my loved ones with my writing-related drama. In any case, writing this story feels like a break, so it's a break. So there.
Right now I am happy just to have an idea for a story. I've been searching for one for months, but I kept coming up with stuff that was too complicated to condense into short fiction. I'm hoping this idea is just complicated enough. It's going to be interesting to see how the project turns out.
But back to the book. Here's the thing-- I believe in the story and I believe in the characters. It's everything else I'm not so sure about. But whether or not the writing itself is hackneyed crap, I've gleaned a tremendous amount of knowledge from writing it. Even if there are problems with the manuscript that I will never be able to fix, I will keep writing other things and I will keep trying.
It would make me sad to let this project go, because I am so fond of the characters and the plot. But I'm nowhere near the point of no return, not yet. I'm not ready to give up. I just need a break.
It does feel weird to live in this space, where this project dominates so much of my mental energy, knowing I'm the only one who cares even ten percent this much about it. Even for me, an introvert with a hyperactive imagination and a tenuous grasp on reality-- even for me it's weird.
But I'm used to weird, so whatever.
Monday, January 31, 2011
January recap and goals for February
It's that time of the month-- the time when I look at what I wanted to accomplish and either laugh at the naivete of my goals or berate myself for failing. Just kidding! I do usually get most of what I want to do done. Sort of. Sometimes.
Let's see how I did in January.
-Don't get sick again
I only got a little sick. I'm feeling okay for the most part. Silver Star!!
-Continue practicing as daily as possible
I am actually sticking to this resolution unless I genuinely feel too sick to practice. Gold Star!!
-Clean up Draft 3
I get bonus points for this one. Not only have I done a ton of editing, I forced myself to go to a writer's group and then I groveled to all my friends for help reading the manuscript. I've been super busy integrating all of the changes everyone has suggested and it's been really helpful. Happy Octopus Sticker!!
-Write a summary of the book
LOL, no. That did not happen. "0%" written in red Sharpie!
-Start researching literary agents
I did a little bit of work on this front, so I'll give myself a pass on this one. Check!
-Work on a new choreography
I'm not sure how I managed not to do this, what with all the practicing I've been doing, but I didn't even start on anything! Mr. Yuk sticker!
-Clean my damn house
I cleaned it twice-- really cleaned it, like a normal person who isn't a slob might-- and then tried to do maintenance cleaning. And yet, it still looks like a superfund site. Printed out image of Sisyphus!
-Eat less refined sugar
Yeah, uh, "less" is a relative term. I did eat less than last month, but I'm not sure I deserve credit for not carrying on with a diet that would put most people in diabetic shock. Apple sticker!
-Drink more water
Oh, that reminds me. *goes to the sink*
So what are my goals for February?
-Choreograph a solo for the Bozenka show. ALL OF IT.
-Write an epilogue for my book.
-Write a plot summary. No, really. Actually write it this time.
-Go to some more writers' meetups.
-Stop freaking out about anything and everything that has to do with book submission.
-Come up with an action plan for preparing my novel for submission over the next three months.
-Try to eat like a sane person, not a third grader.
Let's see how I did in January.
-Don't get sick again
I only got a little sick. I'm feeling okay for the most part. Silver Star!!
-Continue practicing as daily as possible
I am actually sticking to this resolution unless I genuinely feel too sick to practice. Gold Star!!
-Clean up Draft 3
I get bonus points for this one. Not only have I done a ton of editing, I forced myself to go to a writer's group and then I groveled to all my friends for help reading the manuscript. I've been super busy integrating all of the changes everyone has suggested and it's been really helpful. Happy Octopus Sticker!!
-Write a summary of the book
LOL, no. That did not happen. "0%" written in red Sharpie!
-Start researching literary agents
I did a little bit of work on this front, so I'll give myself a pass on this one. Check!
-Work on a new choreography
I'm not sure how I managed not to do this, what with all the practicing I've been doing, but I didn't even start on anything! Mr. Yuk sticker!
-Clean my damn house
I cleaned it twice-- really cleaned it, like a normal person who isn't a slob might-- and then tried to do maintenance cleaning. And yet, it still looks like a superfund site. Printed out image of Sisyphus!
-Eat less refined sugar
Yeah, uh, "less" is a relative term. I did eat less than last month, but I'm not sure I deserve credit for not carrying on with a diet that would put most people in diabetic shock. Apple sticker!
-Drink more water
Oh, that reminds me. *goes to the sink*
So what are my goals for February?
-Choreograph a solo for the Bozenka show. ALL OF IT.
-Write an epilogue for my book.
-Write a plot summary. No, really. Actually write it this time.
-Go to some more writers' meetups.
-Stop freaking out about anything and everything that has to do with book submission.
-Come up with an action plan for preparing my novel for submission over the next three months.
-Try to eat like a sane person, not a third grader.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I need YOU
to help me accomplish my dream.
You. Yes-- you. Any and all of you-- however many of you are willing to help.
I supplicate myself before you and beg for your aid.
As you may or may not have heard, I have written a novel. I don't mean I have a half-finished idea for a novel, either-- in fact, it's about as done as I can make it on my own. I've put my heart and soul and countless hours of work into my book, and now my dream is to get it published. I have never felt this way about anything before in my life and I'm not sure I will ever feel this way again.
Soon I will be sending my book out to agents. As an unpublished writer, I know I need to expect that no one will be interested in it. Nevertheless, I'm going to do everything in my power to increase the chances that someone out there will at least want to look at the full manuscript.
Here are some ways that you can help my chances go from zero to marginal, or from marginal to slight:
If you are a published author or you work in the publishing industry, it would be invaluable to me to have you read an excerpt and give me your feedback. I don't expect you to read any more than a thousand words or so. If your feedback is positive, I may ask you for a quote I can use in my cover letters. If you are local to RTP, I would love to meet you and talk to you about your experience in the industry. If you're not, I'd still love to talk by email or on the phone whenever you have the time.
If you know anyone who works in the publishing industry, especially anyone who has ever worked with speculative writers, and you wouldn't mind giving me their contact information, please get in touch with me.
If you have editing experience, fiction or non-fiction, I could use your help. I am willing to trade private lessons or graphic design work with anyone who is interested in such an exchange.
If you are also an aspiring author, I would love to do an editing exchange.
If you like to read, I am still looking for test readers, especially for the first few chapters of the novel. There's never been a better time to become a test reader; the book is much stronger now than it was when I started editing it. The first three chapters together are less than ten thousand words long (which isn't long at all).
I need your honest, unfiltered reaction to what you read. Criticism is much more valuable to me than praise.
If you don't fit into any of these categories, but you know someone else who does, you could always forward them the link to this post. Please do.
You can also become a follower of my blog in the column to your right.
If you can think of anything else you can do to help me, please tell me.
If there's any way I can ever help you in return, let me know. I want to help you with your dreams too. What I can give in exchange includes bellydance instruction, bellydance-related advice and criticism, graphic design help, illustration work, administrative work, and copy editing.
In short, and within reason, I will do whatever I can to make you feel like the effort you're expending on my behalf is appreciated.
Thank you so much for reading-- just that much is sincerely appreciated as well.
You. Yes-- you. Any and all of you-- however many of you are willing to help.
I supplicate myself before you and beg for your aid.
As you may or may not have heard, I have written a novel. I don't mean I have a half-finished idea for a novel, either-- in fact, it's about as done as I can make it on my own. I've put my heart and soul and countless hours of work into my book, and now my dream is to get it published. I have never felt this way about anything before in my life and I'm not sure I will ever feel this way again.
Soon I will be sending my book out to agents. As an unpublished writer, I know I need to expect that no one will be interested in it. Nevertheless, I'm going to do everything in my power to increase the chances that someone out there will at least want to look at the full manuscript.
Here are some ways that you can help my chances go from zero to marginal, or from marginal to slight:
If you are a published author or you work in the publishing industry, it would be invaluable to me to have you read an excerpt and give me your feedback. I don't expect you to read any more than a thousand words or so. If your feedback is positive, I may ask you for a quote I can use in my cover letters. If you are local to RTP, I would love to meet you and talk to you about your experience in the industry. If you're not, I'd still love to talk by email or on the phone whenever you have the time.
If you know anyone who works in the publishing industry, especially anyone who has ever worked with speculative writers, and you wouldn't mind giving me their contact information, please get in touch with me.
If you have editing experience, fiction or non-fiction, I could use your help. I am willing to trade private lessons or graphic design work with anyone who is interested in such an exchange.
If you are also an aspiring author, I would love to do an editing exchange.
If you like to read, I am still looking for test readers, especially for the first few chapters of the novel. There's never been a better time to become a test reader; the book is much stronger now than it was when I started editing it. The first three chapters together are less than ten thousand words long (which isn't long at all).
I need your honest, unfiltered reaction to what you read. Criticism is much more valuable to me than praise.
If you don't fit into any of these categories, but you know someone else who does, you could always forward them the link to this post. Please do.
You can also become a follower of my blog in the column to your right.
If you can think of anything else you can do to help me, please tell me.
If there's any way I can ever help you in return, let me know. I want to help you with your dreams too. What I can give in exchange includes bellydance instruction, bellydance-related advice and criticism, graphic design help, illustration work, administrative work, and copy editing.
In short, and within reason, I will do whatever I can to make you feel like the effort you're expending on my behalf is appreciated.
Thank you so much for reading-- just that much is sincerely appreciated as well.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
News on the writing front
Such that there is any.
I read through draft three and made line edits on paper; now I am busy typing them into the document. My biggest problem right now is that I love the end of the book and I'm still not sure that the beginning isn't crap. It's not that I don't like it, but I'm not in love with it-- and if I'm not in love with it I'm not sure I can expect anyone else to even tolerate it.
By the by, if you have asked me for a PDF of the novel, I will be sending it to you presently. No, I haven't forgotten you. I'm far too self-absorbed to forget when people are interested in my stuff. I just want to integrate all these edits first.
I've also started reading through some self-help books about finding agents. I feel they have given me a grounded and realistic perspective on my chances of doing just that-- which is to say, it'll be virtually impossible. Of course, I still hope that I will find a (non-hack, non-scammy) agent who will help me put my word babies into print, but do I expect to find one? No.
That's not to say I'm not going to try my hardest. I know said it would be virtually impossible, but that's not totally impossible, and ya'll, I watch Gurren Lagann too much to believe in failure. So, between my ESL appointments today, I went to Barnes and Noble and spied on the Acknowledgements sections of several "urban fantasy" genre novels to find out what agents are interested in this sort of thing. Wrote down some names to look up later. Felt pretty slick.
I'm also forcing myself to go to a writer's group for the first time this coming Tuesday evening. I find the idea of showing my work to other serious writers completely terrifying, but, you know what? Tough shit, me. No one accomplishes their virtually impossible goals by being terrified. As Facebook's Courage Wolf app told me a few days ago: "FEAR IS A REFLEX. CONFIDENCE IS A CHOICE."
Yeah. I'm not sure that's true, because I'm not feeling confident at all, despite choosing confidence over fear... but thanks anyway, Courage Wolf.
Here is the thing. If I don't try as hard as I can, and I fail, I will feel responsible for my failure. But if I really give it my best shot, and I fail, I will know I'm just a mediocre writer.
...wait, what? That's not motivational...
I read through draft three and made line edits on paper; now I am busy typing them into the document. My biggest problem right now is that I love the end of the book and I'm still not sure that the beginning isn't crap. It's not that I don't like it, but I'm not in love with it-- and if I'm not in love with it I'm not sure I can expect anyone else to even tolerate it.
By the by, if you have asked me for a PDF of the novel, I will be sending it to you presently. No, I haven't forgotten you. I'm far too self-absorbed to forget when people are interested in my stuff. I just want to integrate all these edits first.
I've also started reading through some self-help books about finding agents. I feel they have given me a grounded and realistic perspective on my chances of doing just that-- which is to say, it'll be virtually impossible. Of course, I still hope that I will find a (non-hack, non-scammy) agent who will help me put my word babies into print, but do I expect to find one? No.
That's not to say I'm not going to try my hardest. I know said it would be virtually impossible, but that's not totally impossible, and ya'll, I watch Gurren Lagann too much to believe in failure. So, between my ESL appointments today, I went to Barnes and Noble and spied on the Acknowledgements sections of several "urban fantasy" genre novels to find out what agents are interested in this sort of thing. Wrote down some names to look up later. Felt pretty slick.
I'm also forcing myself to go to a writer's group for the first time this coming Tuesday evening. I find the idea of showing my work to other serious writers completely terrifying, but, you know what? Tough shit, me. No one accomplishes their virtually impossible goals by being terrified. As Facebook's Courage Wolf app told me a few days ago: "FEAR IS A REFLEX. CONFIDENCE IS A CHOICE."
Yeah. I'm not sure that's true, because I'm not feeling confident at all, despite choosing confidence over fear... but thanks anyway, Courage Wolf.
Here is the thing. If I don't try as hard as I can, and I fail, I will feel responsible for my failure. But if I really give it my best shot, and I fail, I will know I'm just a mediocre writer.
...wait, what? That's not motivational...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The aftermath of giving up
I was just looking through my old morning pages journal for 2009 to find material for my upcoming FLOW class when I came along this entry, dated August 19- four days after my twenty-fifth birthday. It's pretty amusing. Here it is, unedited.
I'm super jazzed because I just drank a ton of coffee. I guess this week I'm supposed to explore my childhood experiences with creativity. (This was an assignment from The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.)
I remember when I was three, one day I was finger painting and it made me think I wanted to be a fashion designer. I'm not sure how I thought the two were connected, but the thought just occurred to me. (I think I had the idea that I could create patterns for fabric prints via fingerpainting.)
Later, when I was in the second grade or so, I remember we did a project in Art class where we created our own versions of famous paintings. I did a version of the Mona Lisa. It didn't really occur to me to think of it as special, but when the art teacher put all of our drawings out to hang in the hall, all of my friends commented on how good my drawing was. I felt very proud of that. That was the first time I really thought I had any talent for visual art.
For a very long time, all through elementary school and much of middle school, I focused on becoming a creative writer and a musician (playing the viola). Those were the things I thought I was really good at. I know I did dance classes as well but I don't think I thought of them as being a vehicle for creative expression-- I viewed them more as a sport instead.
Writing was probably the most important thing to me back then. I really wanted to become a novelist. In high school, both music and writing totally fell by the wayside as I began to focus more energy on drawing and painting. I don't think I ever made the choice consciously to stop writing, but I did actively decide to stop playing viola.
Now I feel like I probably have little to no facility as a musician or writer, and whatever skill I had in drawing and painting is quickly diminishing. Honestly I dread the thought of attempting to pick any of these pursuits up again. I feel like it would be mostly a waste of time because I think that my growth potential in these areas is really limited.
I guess I am not interested in the idea of continually producing mediocre work and never improving. To be fair, it's not like I have ever made any genuine attempt to improve my writing, so my idea that that pursuit would be futile is largely baseless.
I must admit that it is far more appealing for me to work on dance, where I can really see myself improving and I don't feel so stuck or limited.
I'm not as afraid of mediocrity as I am of stagnation.
This feeling of stagnation and continual mediocrity was the reason I stopped drawing on a regular basis. Despite consistent effort and practice, I never felt I was improving. Over time I grew more and more focused on the technical aspect of drawing-- to be specific, the accurate representation of human anatomy in figure drawing-- and less and less satisfied with my abilities as a technician. Eventually I became so discouraged with my lack of aptitude that I gave up the pursuit. I was twenty-ish when I made that decision.
I have tried several times to start drawing again, because I've started to really miss it, and I feel inspired by different things now as I was then. Unfortunately, drawing makes my neck injury flare up, just as most other crafts do at this point. I can't do it much at all any more.
Pain was the main reason I stopped playing viola as well.
Pain, sickness, frustration, self-doubt and feelings of total failure were all major factors that led me to start writing again. When I started down that path last April, I felt that my health issues were closing off all of my other creative options, including dance, or at least my dream of being a dance professional. Fumbling around in that bleak atmosphere for something creative I could do that wouldn't hurt, I happened upon writing, and by extension, the book.
It's painful to give up. Letting go of something you love is heartbreaking and often terrifying.
However, I believe that in certain situations, it can also be the only way to overcome creative and emotional blocks.
Here's another journal entry, from August 9, 2009.
Prior to finding dance I had spent the last few years feeling incompetent, unaccomplished and unworthy of attention for many years. However, as a small child, I always felt like I was special, talented, and worthy of the recognition of others. For years, as an adolescent, I missed that feeling terribly. Somehow I felt both responsible for its loss, figuring my general slacker attitude was to blame, but also helpless to change due to my inability to cope with my chronic disease, fibromyalgia. I worked hard to become a competent and respected artist, but I never felt like I accomplished that goal.
...Looking back, I remember that I was actually being praised and rewarded and even paid for my artwork, but it didn't seem to matter. Because I was constantly frustrated by my own lack of progress, I never took any of this recognition seriously. I didn't feel good about my work even when other people liked it.
And another, from August 12:
I feel like as long as I keep dancing, I'll still be the same person I am now at my core. I'm afraid that without that anchor I will start to wither emotionally. I am not even talking only about this happening at the twilight of my life-- I'm scared it could happen now if I let it. I think the thing is, at this point I feel like this is my life's work. Were I to stop I would feel like I was giving up and abandoning something crucial to my self.
...I don't know why my emotional attachment to this dance runs so deep. I guess part of it is that I feel like it's the only reason I'm not still totally crippled by my fibromyalgia. But I also know that I have always longed to be really good at something. I'll always feel like that moment is on the horizon with dance, and it's wonderful to always have that to hope for.
...I think my real goal is just to keep trying forever. To never let myself get comfortable or complacent. To always keep pushing myself to do more and do better.
And yet another, from August 13:
Why am I so afraid of giving up?
It makes me feel like a loser. I have the idea in my head that if I give up, I'll never accomplish anything important, thus be a loser. Also, I tend to feel like giving up negates the value of what you've accomplished in the past because the future potential is wasted. Wasted potential is one of the things I fear most.
I know you can't go through life without making decisions which prohibit you from achieving your potential in a certain area, and I accept that to some extent, although that idea still makes me a little upset.
...I think I've felt since I was young that I really could do anything as long as I really tried. This is almost certainly untrue, but I probably hold it as fact anyway. Thus, when I fail, I feel it is an indication not of my lack of ability but rather of my shortcomings as a human being.
So right now some of you are probably thinking "wow, she needs therapy", while others probably see themselves reflected in these words. My point in posting this stuff is not to elicit sympathy, but rather to demonstrate something no one ever told me when I got into the business of doing art, and that is: sometimes it makes sense to give up.
It's hard to know where to get your sense of self-worth from. Some people base it on their social lives, some base it on their work performance, some on their appearance or their participation in an organization or group.
Most of the artists I know tend to base it on their work-- and often, by extension, the commercial success or failure of their work, or the critical feedback they receive about their work, or both.
By last year I had learned that people are fickle and so is the market; you can't use either as an accurate barometer of the value of your work. So, instead, I had decided to associate my self-worth with how much I was progressing as a dancer, and by extension how hard I was working to progress.
The result was not fun, and it was not a good mental working environment. It was impossible for me to fully enjoy working with so much riding on the results. The pathways to creativity were blocked with too much baggage.
The spectre of my physical limitations loomed over everything I did. Instead of being mature about handling my limitiations, respecting my body and avoiding things that caused pain, I pushed myself as hard as I could in an effort to prove that I could overcome (or ignore) my chronic illness.
I'd devised a battle in my head, with me and my dance on one side and the fibromyalgia on the other.
The fibromyalgia won.
I don't imagine that your creative struggles are the same as mine, but still, most of us are at war with ourselves over something, placing one part of ourselves on the side of Good and the other part on the side of Evil. Some of these fights are worthwhile and reasonable (i.e. struggling against addiction) but many, like mine was, are pointless and self-defeating.
Here is my advice for self-flagellating artists like myself:
Give up.
More work is not better work.
There is nothing sacred about working yourself to death.
Your work is not you; your worth is not the worth of your work. You're worth infinitely more than anything you could ever accomplish or produce.
The things you hate about yourself could be fuel for your creative efforts if you learn how to work with them rather than against them.
None of us can do everything. We can't even do everything we're good at.
Don't be afraid to stop doing something, even creative work, when it stops making sense. The work will still be there; time doesn't diminish it.
Get used to asking yourself what makes sense for you and what doesn't; what you need and what you don't.
Look inside and figure out what you need to do and then do that-- and only that. Anything more will just get in the way.
Love yourself for who you'd be if you had to stop working tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
December recap and goals for January
Let's see how I did with my December goals! This goal check in will be in report card format.
-Promote my January classes at World in Motion. NO, FOR REAL THIS TIME.
S for Somewhat. I did some stuff to promote my classes. I probably could/still can do more. Thankfully, the enrollment isn't as slow as last session's was, so maybe I am seeing the fruits of my anemic labor.
-Update and simplify my website.
O for Outstanding. I hadn't done anything towards this goal until January 28, whereupon I looked at myself in the mirror, gave myself a pep talk, and then went downstairs and did the entire site in a single day. (The fact that my sister-in-law gave me one of her Adderall didn't hurt. True facts)
BONUS! I also made a Facebook fan page for myself on the same day! Do I need pharmaceuticals to be an effective self-marketer? Maybe.
-Practice all of my choreographies from 2010 so I don't start to forget them.
N for Not Exactly. I practiced one choreography out of three and one improv performance. But I did start practicing daily again, save for yesterday when I was sleeping all day due to a sinus infection, so... good job sort of meeting your goals, Sara!
-Come up with some new combinations.
D- for my proximity to total failure. I made a class choreography and one four count combination for myself, which might be too short to count for anything.
-Prepare a performance for Blue Moon's Winter Hafla (i.e. avoid doing this two days before the actual performance).
Well, I decided to do an old choreo, so I cut out the need to prepare anything. But, uh, that also means I didn't choreograph anything new. Mediocre!
-Blog more regularly about things that other people may actually find amusing.
TTS for That's Totally Subjective.
Go team!
So what are my goals for January? I'm glad you asked. I will share them with you now.
-Don't get sick again
-Continue practicing as daily as possible
-Clean up Draft 3
-Write a summary of the book
-Start researching literary agents
-Work on a new choreography
-Clean my damn house
-Eat less refined sugar
-Drink more water
-Promote my January classes at World in Motion. NO, FOR REAL THIS TIME.
S for Somewhat. I did some stuff to promote my classes. I probably could/still can do more. Thankfully, the enrollment isn't as slow as last session's was, so maybe I am seeing the fruits of my anemic labor.
-Update and simplify my website.
O for Outstanding. I hadn't done anything towards this goal until January 28, whereupon I looked at myself in the mirror, gave myself a pep talk, and then went downstairs and did the entire site in a single day. (The fact that my sister-in-law gave me one of her Adderall didn't hurt. True facts)
BONUS! I also made a Facebook fan page for myself on the same day! Do I need pharmaceuticals to be an effective self-marketer? Maybe.
-Practice all of my choreographies from 2010 so I don't start to forget them.
N for Not Exactly. I practiced one choreography out of three and one improv performance. But I did start practicing daily again, save for yesterday when I was sleeping all day due to a sinus infection, so... good job sort of meeting your goals, Sara!
-Come up with some new combinations.
D- for my proximity to total failure. I made a class choreography and one four count combination for myself, which might be too short to count for anything.
-Prepare a performance for Blue Moon's Winter Hafla (i.e. avoid doing this two days before the actual performance).
Well, I decided to do an old choreo, so I cut out the need to prepare anything. But, uh, that also means I didn't choreograph anything new. Mediocre!
-Blog more regularly about things that other people may actually find amusing.
TTS for That's Totally Subjective.
Go team!
So what are my goals for January? I'm glad you asked. I will share them with you now.
-Don't get sick again
-Continue practicing as daily as possible
-Clean up Draft 3
-Write a summary of the book
-Start researching literary agents
-Work on a new choreography
-Clean my damn house
-Eat less refined sugar
-Drink more water
Saturday, January 1, 2011
What I did in 2010
I found a tiny white dog, my sweet Lola Bee.
I developed a new kind of hip scarf design made of recycled materials, and I sold a few of them too.
I choreographed three new solos.
I made a new costume for myself without breaking my ban on buying new craft supplies.
I wrote a novel about vampires.
I played too many roleplaying games.
I met a giant octopus.
I went to England and California.
I started this blog.
I hosted a workshop with Mira Betz.
I went to lots of doctors.
I drove out to Sanford more times than I care to think about.
also,
I figured out what I want to do with my life.
I face 2011 full of hope and excitement.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Progress update
Image from A Journey Round My Skull.
The third draft of my novel is done! I finished the final chapter earlier today while listening to Mastodon's album Crack the Skye on repeat. Very motivational, let me tell you.
The new version is 92,585 words long-- over 20k words less than the first draft! I do plan to write an epilogue, but I that will take more than 5,000 words, so I should be able to get everything done in under 100k. SUCCESS!
The next thing I will do is print it all out and attempt to read it as if it was someone else's novel. Then I will think about it for a while, following which I will most likely decide to do a fourth draft.
I've edited at least 2k words every day for a good while now, at least the last two or three months. I never had to force myself to do it. I enjoy this work more than anything else I've done in my life. I hope that someday I can make it my vocation.
The third draft is now available to test readers for free as a single PDF. Please email me if you are interested!
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